Just a Rub Please

One of the really nice services on offer around Saigon and all over southeast Asia is body massage. There are many establishments in Saigon's Pham Ngu Lao area offering massage, many of them with 'salon' or 'spa' in their names, some of them not. These types of businesses operate under a cloud of suspicion that they are actually something else and that perhaps their names should include words like 'brothel' or 'cathouse'. All I can say is that this suspicion is not without merit. In other countries such as Thailand a massage parlor is often nothing more than a front for a brothel. To be fair I should add that one can find the same thing in the more developed world and the US has no shortage of massage parlors that are understood to offer a wide range of services.

I haven't seen quite the same thing in Vietnam and maybe that's because I simply don't know where to look, but in any case it's a bit more subdued here than in some other countries and the extent of extra services I've heard of here only goes to what's commonly known as the 'happy ending' which involves the masseuse offering to massage her male client in that special place.
There are many massage businesses around Saigon and in the Pham Ngu Lao area that operate on the happy ending business model. If you're a neophyte you may unwittingly find yourself lying on a massage table 20 or 30 minutes into what you thought was going to be a 60 minute massage being pressured by some combination of broken-English euphemisms and unambiguous hand signals to avail yourself of the masseuse's special service. If this is what you came there for, no problem. If it's not, well you probably wasted your money. This is because those businesses that operate under this model depend on willing customers to make it work and expect customers to participate. If the original quoted price for your 1-hour massage seemed too good to be true it's because it was and it was nothing more that a loss leader to get you to the point of lying almost naked on a table in a room with a masseuse pressuring you to give in and let her earn some extra money while helping you to relax. The too-low price is the easiest way to spot an extra services massage parlor. Currently around Pham Ngu Lao, any price under 120,000 vnd for a 1-hour massage is most likely a loss leader designed to extract more money from clients after the massage has started. For me and others I've talked to on the subject the biggest drawback to this type of business is the massage itself. It's lousy and it's lousy simply because that's not the business they're actually in and if you refuse to buy the service they really want to sell you, don't expect either the lackluster massage you've had or the lukewarm attitude you've seen up to that point to improve any.

A friend of a friend back in the Bay Area told me of an amusing experience he had somewhere in southeast Asia when he politely declined the offer of a happy ending mid-way through a massage. The masseuse abruptly announced to him 'massag-ee over!'. Talk about a reality check!

I still vividly remember my first massage in Vietnam. It was on my first trip here in December 2008 and I was traveling up north near Ha Long Bay (Vịnh Hạ Long) with a friend from the States and we had booked a package tour that had us in a 5-star luxurious resort on the last night. The place was plush. Of course there was a spa there offering massage and we decided to try it out. They gave us pyjama-like clothes to wear and we each went off to our separate rooms for the massage. My Vietnamese masseuse came in and I quickly learned she didn't speak a word of English. At that time I could speak (literally) a word or 2 of Vietnamese so not a lot of conversation took place but that didn't matter. She proceeded to give me an incredibly relaxing and skillful massage that went the full advertised 60 minutes. And she was also very cute and friendly so I had absolutely no complaints. The price for this 1-hour stellar massage by a cute skilled masseuse at a 5-star resort? It was $9 US and I tipped her $3 so it set me back $12. The same massage in the US would have run about $70 and would have actually lasted only 45-50 minutes.

So the bottom line is that unless the happy ending is what you want, stay away from massage businesses that operate on the expectation that you do and the best way to know whether that's the business a massage shop is in is by the quoted price for a massage. The general appearance of the staff and the place of business are also good clues and the usual stereotypes apply here. If the staff are well-dressed in actual uniforms as opposed to tank tops and shorts and the business is on a main street and not down an alley and they also offer other beauty and spa services, especially to mixed clientele, it's probably a legitimate massage shop.

Today in the Pham Ngu Lao area a good 1-hour massage can be had for 120,000 vnd or about $5.75 US. At this price it will not be in a private room, but in a large room with around 6 massage tables side by side serving other customers. Initially I didn't like the idea of being in a shared space like this, but I've found that once the massage starts I become pretty much oblivious to what's going on around me. Other than when other customers come and go I don't really feel at all disturbed. If you want more privacy you can always go to the higher priced salons around the high-end hotel area near the Opera House and pay $15-$20 US for 1 hour which is still a really good price. I have been a loyal and almost-weekly customer of 1 particular massage shop in the Pham Ngu Lao area for over a year. The service there is really good and the staff turnover is low. It's on Do Quang Dau (Ðỗ Quang Ðẩu) street that connects Pham Ngu Lao (Phạm Ngũ Lão) and Bui Vien (Bùi Viện) streets and I believe the name is the Hoang Thi Spa. The staff all wear maroon colored dress uniforms and sometimes they can be seen out walking the area handing out spa flyers. The price for a 1-hour Vietnamese body massage is 120,000 vnd and a tip should always be given as the staff aren't paid much. I will usually tip 100,000 vnd as I've become sort of a regular and am always treated well and many of the staff know me and are friendly to me. Even including my high tip the 1-hour massage only costs about $11 US.

A couple of times when I tried other massage shops the masseuse pulled out a sheet of paper when it was time to tip her that had names and comments from alleged former customers along with very high tip amounts on the order of 100,000 vnd and higher. I was then asked to write my name and comments and of course my tip amount below the others. This was just a tactic to pressure me into giving a high tip while documenting it to be used for added pressure on the next customer. I just politely declined to write anything on the paper and then tipped what I felt like, more like 50,000 vnd. The fact that the comment sheet was used to pressure me put me in a negative disposition. There is no such practice at the Relax Spa.

On one of my many trips to Nha Trang, I decided to try a massage at a new high-end spa that targeted the Russian tourist market that has become more prevalent in Nha Trang and Mui Ne. Both of these beach resort towns have becone very popular with Russians in the last few years to the extent that many businesses now have signs in Russian only. The last time I was in Nha Trang a woman started asking me a question in Russian until I smiled and shook my head. She then just stopped and made no attempt to speak English. I don't remember the name of the spa, but it's on one of the main streets 2 blocks off and parallel to the beach, Nguyễn Thiên Thuật I believe. It looks very nice on the outside and the price for a 1-hour massage was around 450,000 vnd at that time. They gave me the massage pyjamas and a locker and a cup of tea and I sat in the nicely appointed lounge amid the sounds of soothing music and trickling water before being taken upstairs to a nice new large private massage room. The massage itself was just ok and they employed the tactic commonly used in the US of giving a massage of about 50 minutes and calling it an hour. They had a policy of no tipping so at least I didn't have to worry about that, but I wasn't satisfied with the experience at all. When it comes to massage I've come to prefer substance over style.

Who left the roof open?! One of the buildings just below my window was undergoing some renovation and they had installed a roof that didn't have what it takes to withstand the high swirling winds that are so common in the rainy season. The problem was quickly fixed and all seems ok now.


Another rainy Saigon night. This was taken at the corner of Pasteur and Lê Lợi streets across from the Saigon Centre shopping center.

Club a Dub Dubbin'

I was in Nha Trang about 1 1/2 years ago at an open-air cafe enjoying a coffee and looked over to my left at a table about 20 feet away where 3 Vietnamese women were seated. Of the 2 who were facing in my direction, one was of the wannabe starlet siren type, early 20's, cute, wearing designer, or more likely cheap imitation designer sunglasses and a sundress and the other was older, probably early or mid-30's and okay looking. I detected a motion from their direction and glanced again at The Siren and it seemed she was smiling at me and giving me a small wave of her hand. My male by-pass circuitry immediately kicked in and I became instantly interested. You know the male by-pass circuitry, the pathways in the male brain that route impulses safely away from the accumulated knowledge and experiences of life and the basic logic that might call into question the idea that cute women 25+ years your junior are attracted to you simply because of who you are. Yeah, that circuitry, that sometimes pulls us out of the slow numbing drumbeat of our day-to-day existence and serves as the springboard for a few memories and stories possibly worth retelling. Anyway, it had kicked in and I'm sure I smiled back like an idiot and after The Siren then motioned for me to join them at their table I was on my way over.

I found out that both The Siren and the older woman worked at a bar around the corner from where we were sitting and I was invited to drop by that evening to say hello. The Siren was 20 years old. I exchanged telephone numbers with both of them.

In Vietnam people are freer with handing out their phone numbers than in the USA. I'm not sure why this is, but there seems to be less of a problem here with harassment and stalking type behaviors than in the US. I believe this gets all the way back to how important it is for Vietnamese, and Southeast Asians in general, to keep 'face' or what Westerners would think of as reputation. But it differs from the Western idea of reputation in that it's stricter and narrower and seems to be complied with by about 100% of the population. The obsession with face keeps people pretty much in line as far as doing anything, especially in a social sense, that other people might view unfavorably.

Another phenomenon that I believe is due to the same strict social protocols observed here is that when a sidewalk has been repaired and there's fresh cement exposed to any and all passers-by, no one etches their initials or anything else into it. In the USA, guards have to be posted until the cement sufficiently dries to prevent it from becoming covered in tags and other random graffiti.

There are 2 occasions I've regretted giving out my phone number in Vietnam because I was harassed. One of them was a young man who got the idea that I was working as a lecturer at one of the better universities in Saigon and thought I could somehow help him get admitted there. Even if both of those had been true, the fact that he harassed me about it would have precluded me from ever helping him in any way. He eventually got a clue and stopped. The other was a bizarre woman who was desperate for a friend, boyfriend, husband, or maybe anyone who would pay any attention to her at all. Unfortunately there was really nothing attractive about her and I don't what I was (or wasn't) thinking when I gave her my number. When I realised she was not going to stop SMS'ing me, I succumbed to my dark side and started playing along with her just for fun. I was later able to convince her that I had changed my number and that she should IM me at a special Yahoo account I set up for her. It worked. The poor woman was so dense she never even bothered to check that my number was still working!

Back to Nha Trang. Later that afternoon I was relaxing in my hotel room and got a message from the older woman. She wanted to know if she could come to my hotel and 'visit' me! I let her know in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in that. Had the message been from The Siren, hmm I don't know, but it wasn't from The Siren so it doesn't matter.

I did drop by their bar that night. The older woman saw me and kept her distance, possibly a little embarrassed by what had happened. That was fine with me. Both she and The Siren were members of the staff, mostly serving food and drinks to the half dozen or so patrons. The Siren smiled and said hello but otherwise seemed a bit aloof. Another server sat down at my table and I asked about The Siren. 'Oh, Thanh, she's the owner's girlfriend', I was informed. The owner was an older (ok, maybe about my age) fellow American.

After about 10 minutes, The Siren stopped by my table and asked me to step outside. This was so that the owner wouldn't see her chatting with someone else of course. She informed me that she was getting off early and that I should meet her at another bar by the beach in 30 minutes. I agreed. I was just looking for something to do that night.

She was there as promised and informed me we were going somewhere else and needed to get a taxi. The tone was now set. She would tell me what we were doing. I didn't mind since I was up for something different from the tourist area near the beach at Nha Trang and anything was fine with me.

After catching a taxi she talked briefly in Vietnamese with the driver and after driving a short distance we stopped to pick up another Vietnamese girl accompanied by a tall white foreigner. She was The Siren's friend and he, a Brit, was her friend. After about 10 minutes we arrived at a well-lit nightclub away from the beach, a place I had not been to. Everyone quickly piled out of the taxi leaving me to pay the fare with no assistance. No big deal as it wasn't expensive and I was enjoying myself so I thought nothing of it. Someone else will get the next fare I thought to myself.

As we entered the club I was assaulted by the pounding music being blared from the man-size speakers positioned all around the place. It was so loud that I could feel the sound in my torso and I believe it was actually interfering with my heartbeat rhythm.

This was my first time in a Vietnamese nightclub. We were shown to a table and immediately surrounded by at least 4 staff whose job it was to cater to anything we needed. In addition to bringing food and drinks, they would light cigarettes, empty ashtrays that had even a trace of ash in them, refill any glass that you had so much as taken a small sip from, constantly replace the ice in your beer glass, and wipe off even a mere drop of spilled drink or condensation from your tabletop.

My companions ordered a food plate and we all ordered beer. The Siren and I danced for a while while the other 2 stayed at the table eating and drinking. I didn't talk to them at all other than the initial 'Hi, nice to meet you' and it was too loud in the place to do much more than scream at someone right beside you and hope you were heard.

After an hour or so The Siren told me that they were all ready to leave and wanted to go to another club. When the bill was brought to the table, the other 2 simply got up and left. I'm not kidding, they stuck me with the bill and offered to contribute not 1 Vietnamese dong! It wasn't too outrageous, around $20-$25 USD, but the attentive and solicitous staff all loitered around the table waiting for their tips and I was the only one handing out any money. So now another tone had been set, one that I wasn't so agreeable about.

I've mentioned it before, but it deserves another. In Southeast Asia, it's not just the locals who'll cheat you it's also the foreigners. You really have to watch it. A lot of foreigners who choose to spend time here are not from the cream of whatever society they came from and one shouldn't make the mistake of thinking another English-speaking foreigner that you don't know well is going to treat you with any sort of fairness.

The other 2 jumped into their own taxi outside the club (hmmm, I wonder why?) and The Siren and I got into our own. I told her I wanted to go back to the beach area and didn't want to go to another club. My desire to explore new parts of Nha Trang had been severely tempered by the company I was keeping.

I got out at the beach, after paying the full fare again of course, and said goodbye to The Siren who was on her way to meet some other friends at another bar or club. I comforted myself with the thought that at least I wasn't stupid/desperate enough to have her as my girlfriend and that I had had a fairly interesting night.

I heard from The Siren again the next day, but didn't reply. Been there done that.

Interestingly I ran into the Brit 2 nights later sitting at a sidewalk table by himself having a beer. I walked up and greeted him and he was noticeably uncomfortable. Nevertheless he invited me to sit down and then mumbled some insincere apology about being a bit short on funds the other night. It turned out he was living in Nha Trang working at a dive shop. I figured he might at least offer to buy me a beer. Dream on. He had probably gone native after living there for a while and considered tourists fair game for fleecing.

I didn't venture inside another nightclub until last week. Not far from where I live in Saigon there's a club that I often drive by when returning home at night and it often looks rather lively. Its name is Lush and I had heard and read about it before. I hadn't had any real desire to go there as it's obviously tailored to the young hip crowd and it oozes attitude with the phalanx of doormen and the rope guarding the entrance.

A friend had told me that she's been there a few times and as I was chatting with her asked her kiddingly if she's been to Lush recently. 'Wanna go there tonight?', was her reply. 'Tuesday is ladies' night', she added. 'What the hell?' I thought. At least I could say I had been and experienced it and I had plenty of time on my hands.

After arriving by cab and entering Lush I found out that ladies' night is really good for 2 reasons. First, women get in free and get free drinks which meant, in stark contrast to my first experience in a Vietnamese nightclub, I only had to pay for myself, and secondly, the place is crawling with young, attractive, well-dressed members of the fairer sex. I wasn't looking to meet any other women since I considered my companion sort of as my date even though we've always just been friends and maybe I liked not being under that sort of pressure.

I first had a passion fruit mojito that I have to say was done quite well. The mojito is a popular drink in Saigon these days and there's plenty of fresh mint available here to do it right. The music was very good and the 2 DJ's made sure there was never even a hint of a pause in the beat the entire time we were there. We danced for a good long time. There's not much of a dance floor at Lush except for a very small space in front of the DJ's about 5 feet wide so most people just find a place around one of the bars or the upstairs railing to move around in.

Lush is a good scene with a mix of foreigners (about 30-40%) and well-heeled Vietnamese. I was feeling a bit self-conscious pulling out my 'dumb' phone to check the time in the midst of all the iPhones and other smart phones being openly brandished around me. I guess I'll have to give in and get myself one. At some point between 1 and 2 AM I looked down from the upstairs section on the bar below and saw that one of the plaid skirt clad Vietnamese bar girls was being held down by some of her co-workers while her mouth was held open and an undetermined spirit from one of the bar bottles was being liberally poured in. Not too long after this, at the same downstairs bar, some of the other bar girls began jumping up on the bar and dancing in a very non-traditional way. Well, it was traditional but only in a way that goes back to the beginnings of the propagation of our species if you get my drift. The blouses had begun creeping up off the plaid skirts to expose their smooth lithe swaying bellies and bar bottles were being tipped skyward to allow the free flow of various bar libations through their expectant parted lips. Not that I found any of this interesting in the least.

I made it home a little before 3 AM. There was a time in my life about 2 decades ago when that wasn't such an unusual hour for me to come creeping back home, but since then it's been a rather rare occurrence and I don't plan on changing that at this point. I had a good time and am glad I went to Lush and I recommend it, expecially on Tuesday Ladies' Nights, for those who want a good dance club experience in Saigon. My cover charge was 100,000 vnd (about $4.90 US) and drinks were a little less than that so it wasn't ridiculously expensive and there aren't many places like Lush in Vietnam.

Gardens near the Cao Dai temple in Tay Ninh. I realise I need to get out with my camera and start getting some new photos. I've gotten out of the habit of being a camera-toting tourist.